Oh, The Abuse You Will Know

Remember the time you were walking down the street, minding your own business, and you stepped on an errant rollerskate and went sliding out of control towards a the subway station stairway where you then proceeded to fall down 40 steps and land on a yak? or in some yak? the technicolor yawn kind! Even if that was succeeded by a piano landing on your head, that day was child”s play compared to the mental abuse you are going to experience in the delivery room.

We all remember the scene from Alien where the alien larvae busts through the guy”s stomach. That was AWESOME. Well this isn”t like that, it IS that. The baby wants out, she wants it out and it”s more painful than 20 consecutive “humilating kicks in the crotch” to do so.
The great Bill Cosby talks about how his wife stood up in the middle of labor and announced that his parents were never married. In order to descibe the pain, she also opted to grab his bottom lip and pull it up over his forehead. My wife kindly explained to me that if I did not do everything she requested, she would strangle me with the umbilical cord or any available cord, cable or wire.

Read the rest of this entry »

Stopping My Son’s Bedwetting: One Dad’s Fight Against Dick Fiddler

One thing that fatherhood teaches you is to be a scientist. Time and time again you will be faced with a problem, and using your intellect, logic, and luck you need to figure out a solution. Some problems are simple like realizing it is the too-tall sippy cup that is hitting the propeller thing in your dishwasher and making all that racket every night. But other problems will cause you such frustration in figuring out a solution that it could consume you.

Such a problem consumed me: why my older son continued to wet his bed every night. Here is my and his story on how together, with some help we defeated the evil Dick Fiddler. Read the rest of this entry »

5 Diaper Changing Challenges For Manly Men

There are some things in life that you simply cannot avoid. No matter what you do it hunts you down like a demon. You make excuses, you put up obstacles and still, inevitably, you fail. It's called diaper duty.

If you dislike changing diapers, you aren't alone. It's messy business after all. You are, wiping someone else's ass. Sometimes 8 to 10 times a day. I don't think too many people will stand in line for that opportunity.

Don't worry, your wife doesn't like to do it either. And that's the number one reason why you should bite the bullet and do it for the both of you. Putting it out on the line with a simple Tour of Dootie will be met with gratitude and can mean the difference between going Han Solo and putting the "lay" in Princess Leia.
Read the rest of this entry »

The Top 7 Babes in Children’s Television

So the kids are watching the tv and you notice something out of the corner of the eye. Amidst the puppets, cartoons, and claymation, you spot a sight for sore eyes: you spot a babe. Yes, noodads, you would be surprised how good looking kids television has become.

But before you go on thinking you will tune into Sprout instead of the Victoria’s Secret Fashion Show you need to cool your jets and finish reading this article. This isn’t Baywatch, this is still children’s programming. Here is a list of the Top 7 Babes in Children’s Television:
Read the rest of this entry »

Shore Nice to Sea You: Family Driving Vacations Part 1

Back in the day, my dad would wake us up at the (_._) crack
of dawn. He would then proceed to toss my brother and I into the station wagon,
scream and yell at my mother while squeezing in a few more last minute
necessities, put the dog in the way-back, pay 88 cents a gallon for gas,
complain about it and then attempt to break the world record for slowest drive
time from Clevepuke, (not to be confused with Pittspuke or Pukesburg, PA) OH. to
Vacationland, USA,
also know as Buffalo, New York.

Some families have traditional vacations that they pass down
from generation to generation like “going to the lake” or whatever.  All of my vacations as a kid were just as
lame as the one above. My old man and old lady’s idea of a vacation was what I
now call a DAYTRIP. Of course that is why I have chosen to do exact the
opposite of what my parents did.  My kids
will benefit from the lameness of their grandparents.

Read the rest of this entry »

Things That Are Cool Until They Stopped Being Cool

Even before your kid is born, you will be inundated with promises of products that will protect, educate, or amuse your kid. Some of these things are cool—like Whoozits and Baby Einstein DVDs. But some things start off being cool, but then, after you use it for a while, you realize they fall short. Here are some things my wife and I bought for our kids that we thought were badass, until we actually started to use it. Read the rest of this entry »

Going to Childbirth Class Part 2

I admit it. I probably am pretty close to the "scared of everything" noodad that Noodad refers to in part 1. Still, I thought birthing class was going to be a waste of time. I mean, I was born once, so I felt like I could use the wisdom of my past experience to guide me through it. Even though we were both sort of dreading it, my wife and I convinced each other that it would be a good thing. We went to one 10 hour session at the hospital where she was going to deliver our son for we could not bear the thought of multiple sessions. Afterwards, I felt as though I had spent the day with Pai Mei unlocking the secrets of the praying mantis style. Yes, I was greatly enlightened but it was extraordinarily painful.

Read the rest of this entry »